Now hear me out this might sound like an insane thing to be excited about so let me give you the background information here so this story can make more sense.
I’m a mixed child. My mom’s side of the family has a lighter skin completion and my dad’s side is black.
I can’t remember at exactly what age I started to notice that I was darker than my mom’s side but at some point it hit me that I was different than them. I believe that was the beginning of my feelings of separation- of being less than for being different.
My hair had been the topic of many conversations on my mom’s side of the family. The majority of my disagreements with my mom were around my hair. She couldn’t understand why I didn’t embrace my natural curls and did everything I could to keep them hidden in a tightly pulled back ponytail.
I hated the volume, the texture, the short length. I would look at every one else’s hair and compare myself to them and think of how unlucky I was to have been born with the hair texture I did.
After so many arguments around my hair, my mom convinced me that it would be a great idea to cut it shorter so it would be easier for me to style it. The aftermath of that haircut was brutal- when I went to school the next day my haircut became the topic of many jokes. The last think I wanted was to draw attention to it but that backfired miserably. I have memories of classmates making fun of my new hair style and perhaps the most scaring memory was from one of my grandma’s friend stating “oh I didn’t know you had a grandson” referring to me when I was her only grandchild 🤪
That was the beginning of my trauma. I equated my curly hair to being ugly and different and would spend hours fantasizing about the day that I would have long and straight hair. To me that would be the day that I would find true happiness and finally feel like I belong- I would feel free because how I looked on the outside would finally look ‘normal’ like everyone else.
Since that haircut I’ve played out this reoccurring theme of not belonging and feeling insecure with myself over and over again from relationships to approval seeking of others.
Every single goddam time I would ever emerge myself in a self development program of any kind this haircut kept coming up. It was like every time I thought I was finally past the trauma it would come back again with full vengeance to haunt my thoughts.
Here I found myself at 36 years of age having done several in person and online programs, years of therapy and read a gazillion books on self development. I was feeling pretty good about myself until I immersed myself in a 7 day meditation retreat with Dr. Joe Dispenza. Which then I realized how far away from enlightenment I really was. For the first 3 days I played this battle with my own self of judging my thoughts, catching myself on a loop of judgment towards others and thinking how I thought I was better than this.
But the most annoying part was my freaking hair popping up between every other judgmental thought. I had gotten into an argument with my husband that morning- we were late because I had to straighten my hair and I was pissed for being rushed so my hair was looking like a hot mess that day.
The whole entire time during our walking mediation I was conscious of what was happening on my head, it was an obsessive thought and the first thing I did after the meditation was to find a bathroom to try to fix my hair. I knew a Bobby pin could change the trajectory of my day so I dumped all contents of my backpack and searched frantically for at least ONE bobby-pin to save my life but I wasn’t successful in my search and decided to buy very overpriced hair clips at the convenience store on my way to the next meditation session so I can make it through the day.
During that particular meditation I leaned into the story about my hair that apparently needed my attention since it wasn’t going anywhere. During that time I realized how much trauma I’ve been carrying in this hair of mine. It has been the source of so much frustration and most importantly it was something that I hid behind it. If only it was long and straight I could feel like I belonged remember? But how come I still felt like I didn’t belong in some circles? The truth is as long as I’m hiding myself behind this illusion of my hair what I’m really doing deep down is not accepting this part of me and until I belong fully within my own self I can’t belong fully anywhere else.
I realized that true freedom is embracing ALL versions of myself curly or not. During that meditation I had this big aha moment of realizing- that’s it I need to take my extensions down and embrace my natural curls until I find genuine acceptance from myself there.
I asked the universe for a sign that I was going in the right direction of healing, so I got up from the meditation and reached for my towel to wipe my tears only to find a freaking bobby pin on top of the towel I’ve been laying on! How that hair pin appeared seemingly out of nowhere is beyond any plausible explanation I can give at this moment.
It may sound like something so small but for me it was a tangible sign from the universe to face my childhood traumas head on and that unlocking that part of me was the key to unlocking so many other parts that have been shackled and ignored for so long.
I’m sharing this story because we truly live in this dance with the divine forces beyond us and at any point we can ask for signs and confirmations to pursue our path towards healing knowing we’ll be fully supported along the way because we are walking in alignment.
May you manifest anything you want in your life, whether it’s healing your childhood wounds or finding the love of your life- It’s all there available to us.
Xo
Fernanda
